Emer

2011-11-27T04:22:00.000-08:00

Dragon Nest

2011-11-27T04:11:00.000-08:00

This moment

2011-09-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

This moment, i was reading my old post. Been some time since i update. Clearly, i was running away and avoiding. For now, everything between me n C is sooo over. The conclusion is..the stupidity of me, is amazing. Now that my love for him is slowly fading, i could see clearly. How wrong i was. the disappointment, in him and mostly myself. Letting myself love too much, gave too much, had no pride and all for nothing but a lesson learnt.

The amazement of how much he could lie, abt his feelings, his words, his promise. All broken. He assure n gave me hope, again n again. I believe in him again n again. Got hurt again n again. Seriously how stupid can a person get? Thinking back now, its sad to say, that i have lost so much faith, n trust. Its regretful, that its so hard for me to trust someone. isnt life about love, trust, care, faith, honesty, family, love ones. All this meant so little to people. What is the meaning of this life? for money? to live each day as it is? with beautiful materials? isnt love between frens n family n ur partner the beautiful things in life? y is my thinking so different frm others?

i cant, simply cant understand the mindset of some ppl. does it make them feel gd? to lie n betray their love ones. what is the meaning of tht r/s when u lie n betray her? i pity, the gal who is with C. im glad i let him go, finally.

It is all thanks to a healer. Thats what i name him. The impression i have of him is kindness. I felt it in him, n he was honest n told me things frankly. even if he did lie to me abt certain stuff, but i believe it is only coz it was his own personal issues tht he did not wan any1 else to get involve with. no judgement. time with him have heal me, a little. I could smile more easily. his kindness n some honesty, make me feel glad, n healed me a little bit. He is going through a rough time. i wish to be there for him, put some smiles on his face, like how he did to me. Becoz of him, i could see more clearly, to let C go for a better someone. I thought, someone like healer, it is ok tht things are not like tht. still, healer had help me to take the first step, of truly letting C go.

Even until now, when C had patch with his ex. He still had the nerve to lie to me abt it continue txt n ask me out. Than say treat me as fren thts all. i simply lol. Feels good.

Things need to be smiple now for me. I do not wish to think of what is or what will be. Just this moment. To be happy, and for healer to be happy. I will try my best. to put smiles on healer, coz he is a gd guy. Maybe there are some evil sides of him tht he hides. He has secrets in his phones. Tht is always sad. still, maybe i dun wan to know, so long as he is happy. I'll try my best to do what i can.
Simple. try. my.best.

ciaos..

Its not over yet?

2011-06-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

I am surprise tht our "r/s" is still going on. Even to the point when he had broken up with his gf. Well so far frm wat i see, tht seems to be the case. other txt tht they have exchange could have been easily deleted.

Yup. it seems to be the way how he does thing. At this point, i cant deny tht he feels for me. Just not sure if its enough, coz well, he simply have too many gals out there, n its frustrating to see him flirting n being close with other gals. If only he can juz care more abt how i felt. I guess i cant compare. how some guy can give their devote attention to their gf, but i cant expect the same frm him.

I was at the point of giving up for gd, n the usual happens. Him assuring me n asking for a last chance again. Ive make it pretty clear tht no more hidding, or its over. now i guess i have to wait till he "offcially" have me as a gf.

I am doubtful tht he is the right guy for me to settle down with. Having see him betray his gf many times, how can i ever feel secure with him. I just hope he meant wat he say, tht he wouldnt do the same to me. I could be naive thinking tht, but i dun really have a choice here coz i kinda love him too much. so i can only hope.

.....

2011-03-31T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have, again say to be frens, and decided to slowly drift away.

but yet i cant.. not when he continues to txt me and wan to meet me. i cant leave him like this. wtf am i suppose to do. i cant be with him, coz it hurts so much, yet i cant leave him..

so ive decided i really dun give a damn anymore. ive tried to do something but nothing could be done.. i can only take the ride , hang on.. until i fall..

i guess whatever it is, will be.. i simply cant think anymore.. the idea of meeting him later makes me happy, i wana hold his hand, hug him close.. n tht is all.. i dun care what else happends. i also wont expect anymore commitment, maybe its easier for me this way, definately i wont be doing the same for him too. not anymore

i love him and i hate him. i will be with him now, coz he is what i nid, but yet i still hate him in my heart. so i cant care for him or care for myself too much now. its all just abt "the moment" to live the moment, maybe im finally starting to uds what this means. ive nv thought it possible for me to live the moment, always i think ahead, probably too much.. now i simply cant do anything anymore, but only have those moments..because of how he treats me, how he hurt me. i can only assume tht he doesnt love me, yup he did say trufully tht he only like me. waht else can i say.. he give me all kinds of words, but they are all useless.. pure words.

in my heart, he is letting me go, coz he got no confidence in ending with the gf withing the given period of 3 months. tht is disappointing. yet im greatful tht he tells me.. and now he decides to be frens, not togther anymore, easier for him, no obligations, he can take as long as he wants.. wahtever else he says,are all juz words, coz what he do, is hurting me.. all the time.. until im really feeling in my heart tht i resent more n more, n if this goes on.. than it will be over.. with the resent n pain growing, slowly my love fo him will automatically fade, juz like Alan, juz like cz..

just awhile more..

In love?

2011-03-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

Love, just one word.. yet so many feelings come frm tht one word.

It casuse ALL kinds of emotions.

I feel this love now. It makes me feel like happiness tht ive nv experience before.. yet it brings me grief that crushes me and make me wish i dun exsist.. It lets me be blind, takes risk.. and throw all my hope onto something.. even knowing i might be the one getting hurt. It also makes me become a corward, the deep fear tht eats my heart.

I am only human.

Probably my past experience , have took away my confidence in r/s.. That is really sad. For now, my every thought is so negative, always a tragic ending. Yet, i still could not let go, even if it kills me in the end.. i still wan to hold onto it. Than again, i will not die.. coz no matter how.. i'll survive and life still goes on.. Its only the process, of hardening ones heart once again. To smile on my face, not my heart. To laugh out loud, but not frm my eyes..

There is every reason to feel fear with him.. whatever he did to others, he might do to me, and in life, there will be too many reasons & excuses for him to do what he wants. There is absolutely no reason, for me to be with him.. For i expect absolute faith & loyalty, i would give the same to him. The thing is, frm what i know, he isnt .. There is actually one reason for me to me with him, but is tht reason enought for me to take all the risk? Now tht is a hard question.

He took away my pride, coz i chose to be with him, even when he has someone else. That is something that i really coulnt accept, he probably doesnt uds how much tht affescts me in my heart.. If he took more away from me, i will sincerely hate myself.. coz to be with some1 who doesnt respect me and took away all my pride, i might as well dun exsist. coz it will no longer be ME. i only wish he can uds, but it seems hard for him. if he cant respect my tht last wish.. than he probably doesnt love me, and i can NV be with some1 who doesnt repect or love me enough.

seriously being in this situation is bad enough, does he have to take everything away frm me..

I wish he will truly respect me, give me assurance, tell me words daily to ease my heart, show me all his feelings to hold my doubts & fears. Wish that he will keep his word.. and at the very least if he cant, to at least let me go..

Almost every1 whos knows what is going on, says i am stupid, tht im blind, that i should let him go, that he is the wrong guy.. but in my heart.. i really .. feel for him.. so.. i juz wana be brave n give it a try.. At times, i really do feel tht he care for me.. its juz a matter of how much, and is it enough.. i seriously need to know how much he feels for me..

Anyway.. its so great to say things out..coz so many words n feelings, there is truly no1 that i can say to.. my feeligns are so strong that telling any1 else is just... hmm.. too expose? hahx. slp slp.. Gd nightZ

Confusion

2011-03-05T19:58:00.000-08:00

Its good tht i went to Lunar, the downside is i spent alot alot of money T_T but the gd side is i had plenty of fun.

Its ironic that i met this guy and we hit off quite well.. but the fact is, he reminds me of cz. i mean seriously i was soo pissed. Ive always thought tht being loyal and faithful is most important in a r/s After what cz did, i was nv able to forgive him and thts part of the reason y our r/s ended. As much asi like this guy i met at Lunar, he actually already have a gf, but yet he was close to me and even ask me for a number. i mean for goodness sake he already have a gf! why cant guys be loyal and faithful to their gf, they like to club fine, but yet to do this.

Its no wonder tht gals dun like it when guys go clubbing. i im having less n less faith in guys. is it seriously all guys are like this, is it 1 in a million chance to find a guy who will be loyal n faithful..

All maybe C is juz playing around but still love his gf deeply. That is wrong too, to play around.

argh well i really dun wan to judge , i'll just try to think he has his reasons. still, he making the worst impression lol. Yet i still do think of him and how fun it was when we were at Lunar. I hope nothing happens between us. lets just keep things simple n remain as frens..

Harsh, & falling

2011-03-04T00:12:00.000-08:00

Upset, dislike human nature, dislike this world. Human and this world is too harsh, including myself. I dislike all of this.

Like i say, my emotions are so swift and takes its own form, disregarding me. At times, it feels so utterly helpless to do anything abt it.

I feel like my best fren has no time for me and doesnt respect me. im not sure if its becoz we are to casual with words sometimes, so i feel like she gives attitude problem when she sms me. Theres no point in explaining what excatly did she and i say. Just this overall feeling of disappointment in her, and in everything else. One could say tht she is the trigger point, but not exactly her that is causing my this emo feelings now.

I wonder if i am too nice, my thought are always of my friends. Yet often i get so disappointed with these "frens"

i seriously wonder maybe its me, and not tht i have lousy frens. OR rather im finding excuse for them, and blaming myself. So do i have to keep trying to be even more nicer, even more understanding? How far am i suppose to go.

Its frustrating that, i always compromise and understand their feelings, but seldom have they tried to understanding how i feel. I feel so tired. I wish tht for once some1 would come n try to understand what im feeling, instead of me always placating them and understand how They are feeling. Great now im just repeating myself. Needless to say, ive love her as my best fren all this years. ive not been perfect fren, but ive tried my best to be there for her. no doubt tht i would feel so upset now when she came off complaining n saying nagative things.

Aye... what can i say.. if i speak my mind abt how ive been feeling, she simply gets indignant and defensive.. we would either end up not talkling, or me giving in. or i can simply continue to be nice, and just cheer her up and be there for her , afterall shes sick now.. but i dun wan my this feelings of resent to continue growing.. maybe im just jealouse of the fact tht she spend more time with her bf, and im still alone.. I gotta think things through.. but im tired.. seemd like i keep trying all the time. actually ive stop trying since this year.. aye.. whatever sigh..

Good Morning!

2011-03-03T17:14:00.000-08:00

Yes Gd Morning! i slept early, woke up early. Had my breakfast ( very delicious carrot cake! ) and took mrt to work!

I'll be meeting peiying n others later to go Lunar. im excited. I wan things to go positive and good now.

Oh ya dinner with Jess was Great last night. Though i feel kinda guilty for eating so much food. =P Its was nice to talk to her and time sure flew fast.

I have acomplish a few goals that i set for myself. Now i want to add 1 more and it will be the most difficult of all. Im thinking carefully, i dun wan to set my goals and fail them. so i need to plan this =)

Anywayz, i also wan to get my work done. So this will be a short blog, i'll update more later. Good day everybody!

GoGooOOo~

Making an effort

2011-03-02T23:47:00.000-08:00

Yes, im making gd effort to make a better life.

Not so much as "making a better life" just doing some small things to not let myself become a depress n moody gal XD

Like example, how much ive wanted to shout at my mom when i reach home and realise she had move my computer and all the wires came off. The anger was just right at the back of my throat. ive to spend a gd 30mins to get everything all connected.. i was SooOoo frustrated when my modem simply would not light up and i was SooOoo tired when i came back frm work and had to face this. im proud to say that i simply called my mom, told her politely n nicely not to move my pc around.. and so thus no quarrels or shouting between me n mon ^^"

other than that, meeting up jess aka popo my game fren aftern putting plane on her ytd =P now this time round im not gona be lazy abt going out and meeting up frens, ive got a good japanese dinner to look forward to and some social life to maintain muhahx and tmr im going to Lunar with some frens too.

hmm kinda doubtful abt Lunar as she mentioned ordering lots of liquior but shouldnt be too ex coz there will be plenty of ppl to share.. well coz i really want to save up money for piano lessons and a piano.. so im quite reluntant to spend needless money.. Hmmz.. oh well alls been set, so guess i'll juz splurge for tmr.. Once.. since its been a long time since i went drinkning.

anyway, ive send my resume to 1 other company tht my fren told me are looking for ppl to hire. if alls well, i might change job, otherwise i'll stay in this company now. its good, but i doubt i wana stay and work as admin forever.. ive make effort to do my resume and send out to email. ive been taking public transport for piano lessons.

So yes, making an effort. i ve even been slping very early! im quite surprise, but seeing tht my body and health is really going down the drain. its time i get some slp, otherwise i might seriously be killing myself.. ppl would be amaze by how little slp ive been getting LolS

Aside frm all this, i guess the only downside is my this super boring job. As much as im really comfortable here.. im so not motivate to work. gd exmaple will be how im blogging now when ive got work pile up. Roll Eyes*

The other downside would be.. no bf... DuH is boring.. Even though i love time for myself, the fact is ive also got big cravings for love and friendship and family.

I mean these aare the biggest piriorties in my life.. cant help but wonder whos the next guy that will be coming into my life.. Sigh at times, so doubtful... u know abt how much u love is like how much hurt u'll get back... i mean frm what ive experience.. Stil... im gona be brave gal, its not wise to simply remain lonely for the rest of my life just becoz im too much of a corward to go into a new r/s.

So i, beleive! have faith and have hope. These are important in life. Sometimes i really wonder abt ppl who live and do they realise whats most important in life.

Ive always wondered abt ppl who are so materialistic and always think in terms of money.. sure money can buy all kinds of luxuries ( i wouldnt mind more money XD) but it can nv buy true feelings, love, health, nature and many other things. oh well.. ppl might juz think me naive, but thats the simple truth and its hard to explain with words here.

SO hey look, u know no matter how depressing or sick life is(ops).. I think whats important is that at the end, one muz always strive to be positive and DO waht they can to make things better. Not just wallow up in sadness, the strength to Do things and look at things differenly making effort to create change. Better. More. Positive.
Hm thts all.. hehe so now i think im gona get some work done =X

Ciaos

Moody Me

2011-03-01T01:36:00.000-08:00

For Some reasons, somestimes im really so moody and simply wants to keep to myself.

im always so tired, especially during weekdays. Not motivated to go out to meet up frens. I haven bother to make appoinment with my best fren, and my other frens. im so tired n lazy to meet them. i wonder if im becoming depress. seriously doubt it as i started my day feeling fine and happy but as the day passes, i get more drain and tired. should i check out the doctor?

slping hours are horrible, i cant seem to slp more than 4 hours. always waking up in the middle of the night and not be able to fall back to slp.

ive sincerely tried to slp more but to no avail. no doubt i know whats the cause.

each dayy pass, uneventful.. i hope for a change in my life soon.. it bores me to pass each day like this.. im making effort to make my health better and hopefully things will be bright again.

Im so excited abt piano. though i know i shoulnt spend the money to buy a piano now, not when im still such a noob in playing. the first thing i need to do is to get the lessons started! im happy to say ive sucessfully been taking public transport and thus saving more money since piano lessons are expensive. with all these in thoughts, ive concluded that im not depress but simply likes time with myself. or simply too lazy to go out. last weekend was spent at home too, not even stepping out of my house at all lols. Love to just indulge myself in dramas and animes and simply laze around =P

All these days, ive nv stop thinking abt him.. probably coz i feel kinda lonely now, thats y i think of him more often. than again, since the day me n cz broke off, ive nv fail to think of him each day.. sigh~ nv once have i not miss him.. and think of what was, and all tht we once had.. really miss it sometimes.. even if its foolish to think of those memories and smile to myself.. i still do it everyday..

it just makes me more down when my best fren cant seem to have time for me due to her bf and my other gd fren seems so boy orientated and misplace her frenship .. life is indeed disappointing..

Ive always wondered if ppl feel so much like i do. The emotions i feel everytime i read the newspaper, the weak tears that fall over the slightest bit of drama tht im watching. the waves of sadness that takes me swiftly when i think of my family, frens and this world. i think this is what ppl would call "overreacting of emotions"?

But i hide it well, and the outlook of me is all of a normall smiling and happy gal. Hahx. ive always dislike ppl who wear a mask, but seems like im doing tht too o.O

anyway, writing ( or rather typing ) is good. always cheers me up a little XD
siging off now (kocking off frm work =P )

Emer!

Happy

2010-03-04T23:19:00.000-08:00

Ciaosu!

One muz learn to be contented. With the way my life now is, I should be happy.

I amhappily attach with my bf now, who is sweet n really gd to me. Have a gd job, got a diamond ring, upgraded my pc, meet up frens occasionally. Though i hope to meet up my best fren more often. but i guess its hard when both of us are so busy.

=) -_- @@"

Again

2010-02-07T04:10:00.001-08:00

The Water so cold, so silent. Can u truly see ? The darkness is thick and it drags u down. Your breathing heavy, eye lids closing.. and its so tiring..

Swish , swash, the water splash but- u cant give up life..

last week had drain me emotionally.. I was happy and in love, disappointed and let down. Now I'm seriously sick and lonely, and I want to let go all over again. I do not wish to hold on to something that brings me unhappiness.. some would say I give up easily.. but is it worth it to keep holding on to something that have change? If the love that u expect is no longer there, only empty words. Will u still hold on to it?

Maybe Im just grumPy and sulking cuz I am so sick. But since this is the case, I expect even more frm my own bf. Fine if u cant find me to take care of me becuz of ur work commitment, but if its too diffuclt to even sms to show some concern, there is something seriously wrong dude. I mean a mere fren could have the heart to sms me for the last 2 days. AND HE is WORKING too.. see the difference now? thats why its sad.. to listen to the excuses of work and baahhh and bllaah.

Tired.. now seriously just go away.. Since you are so busy to even sent a sms of care and concern to your gf who is SERIOUSLY sick than I dun wan to hear frm you either. Leave me alone now.. dun bother PLS

Growing old

2010-02-01T17:52:00.000-08:00

Ciaos!!
Growing old..Now that is really sad, but something we need to face Lols. Friend and I have even discuss getting married, and having children. Our child would fall in love with each other get married and we would be real family. LoLs I know its sounds so far off and so funny! Still, a small part wishes alot that it will come true =)

In realistic, both of us are not even attach... wahzxhx.

It makes me think of cz... cuz even now I still miss him and always wonder if what I did was a mistake.. Oh well.. I've got to be fair.. Some would say Im so silly for letting him go, cuz really he is the greatest.. sadly it was just not meant to be.

So after meeting up with RP on fri, I met up a guy on sat, some1 I got to know through D. How should I put it > < Lets just say, things will not work out at all! Honestly, some factors that really make me zzZz =x I mean seriously... Dun be so stingy when you want to date some1 la..

Guys! Always take note, as much as you dun wan the gal to be materalistic and everything the guy pay, the gal also dun expect you to be so stingy! Ask any guy friend who know me lo, is it I expect the guy pay all the time. For me, ONLY when the guy offer to treat, THAN I will insist that he let me pay my share. At least I see and know that he is quite gentlement.. That guy I met on sat,be it movie, dinner, drinks at tcc, everything time I offer to pay my share, he just like that take one, everything also split so clearly with me.. The thing is, i really dun mind paying my share de, but to see him so not gentlement and never once even ATTEPMT to wana pay for me, is really so not gentlment lei... Makes me really BahHh.. Why this guy like that .. -_- somemore keep ask me out during weekend. So bo bian lo u know.. he not auto, i also dun wan auto to pay liao lo.. zzZ that weekend, i say no money dun wan go out, he say, he pay first next time i treat him back. than say since i no money he pay first, than we eat CHEAP CHEAP one..

Im not materalistic, I dun mind go coffee shop eat.. But.. maybe i dun know him enough or not very close to him ( since we meeting up first few times) That why cant stand he so stingy =X somemore what i know is he work at airplane as engineer, got a big brother at home and mother who is working. Got iphone psp flying plane etc.. is not he poor, is just pure stingy. BleH.

T_T End of story.. god forgive me for such evil thoghts and evil comment on some1, but cant stand and want get it off me chest! =X

Busy

2010-02-01T17:38:00.001-08:00

So apparently I thought wrong. Seems like I couldnt even blog once a day. Weekend came and pass too quickly. Friday night met up with RP and 2 long lost friend. It has been so many years since i last saw them! It was a gd thing..

I was suppose to wait for RP to come fetch me at 9.30pm that night, I read until I completely forgotten! Turn out that all late.. ( as usual ) and L with MH came to pick me up instead.

Meeting that 2 long lost friend sure brings back memories, so many years when RP was still with MH, and when I was stil having a crush on L. Lols Things did not work out as he has some1 that he love. Now he is with that gal, for how long I did not ask. Truly happy for him that he is now with the gal that he love so much. I hope it will remain.

Everything is always abt changes, but not love I hope.

Anyway, so we met up and i was too full to eat anything. Ate some tao hui and RP L ordered bread. Its funny to see them struggling with it and had a hard time finishing it wahahx. We talk abt stuffs, and joke around. It was really kinda funny. It would be gd to meet up more often if only we can put in more effort and time and not be lazy Lols.

Conclusion is meeting up after work so late got me all tired but it was worth it to meet up with some old friends to chill and joke around =)

Time

2010-01-28T21:04:00.000-08:00

Time is SO limited. Like what my friend say, if only there is more than 24 hours a day. I need more time badly, to read and watch anime!

Hitoman Reborn is SO a great anime. I know many would have no interest, but i simply wish more would understand just WHY anime has such a great lure to a ordinary gal like me xD Its alot to do with the animation, the fantasys drawing, the beauty of each charactor, the comedy. The love and friendship, the adventures, the magic, quite impossible to find in this world. Reborn is so cool with his skills and intelligence, yet so cute the way he look as a infant hitman and the funny way he bullies and torture those around him and caring abt them but looking cool abt it xD

=X dun get me started. I am so torn between readin and watching Hitman Reborn. The fantasy book that i am reading now is so good too.. Fantasy Magic and adveture, love and friendship. These factors so seductive.. What every man would crave for.. I would love to just enter those world if given more time..

Daily I would reach home at 7pm need to sleep at 12am. ONLY 5 hours to do what i love excluding dinner time. GoD! Besides that, I need to catch up with my friends, meet up for dinner, chill, movie, ktv session etc..

Wish so much that there is more time so that i can meet up friends withour sacrifcing time for myself.. =P

First

2010-01-28T00:43:00.000-08:00

My first post, sweet nice exciting. I have love to read and write. Here, i see no limit to write.

Its really a chance to say my feelings, and i have such craving for that. Always always, my feelings no one have seem to know. Only so rare so few..

When i read ppl's blog, I wonder if they ever had the courage to write what they truly feel deepest frm their heart.

Is there a limit to how much i can post a day? Already there seems to be too much for only 1 post a day xD Now i think back of old days when i used to have a diary, i mean a real diary where i use pen and literaly write in it once every few days. It was nice n sweet and i have re-read it so many times. Now its a new technology where ppl blog online, i guess not so much more personal.. but still, so much more convenient xD

I want to talk abt life! abt Me! abt wat i love! abt my passion for anime!( T_T cabal used to be my passion)abt Work! abt love! Family! Debate on what is right and wrong! And all my displeassure!

Soon.. but right now... i need to get back to work =X